PRED-0007 · Finding: Not sustained
“It’s definitely starting Tuesday.”
— Anonymous internet commenter, every Tuesday.
ExpiredFORM ODCV-1A · REV. 11/2026
Is a civil war happening?
NO
Current Civil War Status: Not happening.
Status reviewed by the clerk currently nearest the status apparatus.
Threat level
LOWTHANKSGIVING
DINNERHIGH
DINNERHIGH
Social Media Field Report
“Definitely starting tomorrow,” according to a man whose profile picture is a truck.
Assessment ODCV-7B · Observations are not measurements
Civil War Threat Assessment
| Indicator | Assessment |
|---|---|
| Facebook uncle activity | Elevated |
| Pickup truck flag density | Concerning |
| All-caps constitutional analysis | Critical |
| People posting “It’s happening” | Unnecessarily high |
| Actual civil war | NO. |
Formal determination: After reviewing the available evidence, the Department finds that people are extremely upset on the internet.
Historical file ODCV-PRED · Accuracy rate withheld as embarrassing
Civil War Prediction Archive
PRED-0142 · Finding: Beans remain
“I’ve been preparing for this since the last election.”
— Man with 400 cans of beans.
No actionPRED-0321 · Finding: Circular evidence
“The signs are everywhere.”
— Person who exclusively reads signs they made themselves.
ReturnedSpecimen statements maintained for administrative illustration. No quotation is attributed to an identifiable person.
Self-assessment ODCV-48HR · No identifying information requested
Civil War Readiness Checklist
DETERMINATION
NO.
Reviewed / No action required / P.J.W.
Answers processed in triplicate
Frequently Anticipated Questions
Someone on the internet said it starts tomorrow.
They said that yesterday.
What about all the people posting pictures of their guns?
Still no.
How will I know when a civil war starts?
We will update this website. Probably.
Is this an emergency information service?
No. The Office is empowered only to determine the status displayed above. For emergency assistance, contact the appropriate local authorities.
Administrative note 6(b): “Imminent” shall not be interpreted to mean “currently occurring,” regardless of engagement metrics.